


The Bigger, Blacker Bot

by Enfilade



Category: The Transformers (IDW Generation One), Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: A very rude game, Card Games, Cards Against Humanity, Cussing, Offensive content, Other, Sex Talk, Swearing, Trigger Warnings, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-22
Updated: 2015-10-22
Packaged: 2018-04-27 12:26:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5048530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Enfilade/pseuds/Enfilade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tesarus suggests a game for team-building night on Deathsaurus's ship:  "Cards Against Cybertron."</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Bigger, Blacker Bot

**Author's Note:**

> For lickoutyourbrains who wanted to see the DJD playing Cards Against Cybertron.
> 
> Seriously, I don’t know how to tag this. “Everything?” What the characters are actually doing is pretty tame, but what they’re talking about is like Every Trigger Of All Time. 
> 
> Basically, if playing Cards Against Humanity makes you feel uncomfortable, this fic is not for you. If Cards Against Humanity makes you EllOhEll, then read on. And if you don’t know what Cards Against Humanity is, this fic probably won’t make much sense.
> 
> This fic is rated M for crude and potentially (probably) offensive language and concepts. 
> 
> Mild Tarn/Deathsaurus flirting and wild theories about Nickel's love life, but that’s really not the point here.
> 
> Mild spoilers for my Tarnsaurus series “On My Dark and Lonely Side,” but that’s Esmeral from the Victory manga, who I’ve cast as the Warworld’s Defense Commander. She turns into a kaiju dragon just like Deathsaurus does. If you want to know what’s up with that “Deathsaurus’s wife” business, you’ll have to wait for the main story for that I’m afraid. This story is just for lulz. Set in the same universe as "The Big Conversation," not that it's relevant in any way.
> 
> Technical notes: I realize that combo cards exist, I like combo cards, but I found it harder to write a story with combo cards (it got difficult to follow), so everything in Cards Against Cybertron is one-question one-answer. Call it luck of the draw ;)

Tesarus folded both sets of arms and tried to hide his sulking. It wasn’t easy. And he wasn’t very good at it. 

Vos noticed, and tittered, pointing at him with one long, accusatory finger, placing the other over his faceplate in an exaggerated gesture of shock. That gesture drew Helex’s attention. “What’s wrong with _you_?” Helex asked, with all his usual tact.

Tesarus shot a glance at the interlopers on the other side of the _Thunder Arrow_ ’s lounge. They were still distracted, talking to Kaon. Good.

Tesarus leaned over to Helex and whispered, “I don’t like having Deathsaurus and Esmeral here, and I don’t like being on _their_ stinking ship. This is _supposed_ to be _our_ weekly AHM party.”

“Ain’t supposed to call it an AHM party any more,” Helex grumbled.

“Then what are we supposed to say? “All Hail _Tarn_?” That’s going to sound really stupid when Tarn says it.”

Vos hissed something. Tesarus looked at Helex blankly. He didn’t have his datapad with him—or, more accurately, he’d been forbidden from bringing his gizmos to the All Hail Whatever party ever since Tarn caught him playing _Summons to Service: Futuristic Warfare: Wraiths of the Cyberverse_ under the table instead of “fully participating in team-building exercises.”

Helex rolled his optics and translated. “Vos says it’s supposed to be an All Hail the Decepticon Empire party now.”

“Yeah, ‘cause that’s not a mouthful.” Tesarus’s smaller hands tapped impatiently on his grinder blades. “Fragging political correctness.”

Helex poked him in the side with one of _his_ smaller hands. Tesarus looked up to see Kaon, Deathsaurus, and Esmeral approaching them.

“Well?” Kaon said, with what looked like forced cheerfulness. “Have we decided on an activity for tonight?”

“Cards Against Cybertron,” Tesaurus said impulsively.

He wasn’t sure what possessed him to say it. He knew full well that game was off the table. It was probably a combination of losing the good old days when Megatron was Emperor and all Tesarus had to worry about was the most creative way to dispatch the next mech on the List, coupled with a resentment of the new world order that Tesarus hadn’t asked for and didn’t want to get used to. 

Kaon scowled, but Deathsaurus laughed. “Oh, that’s great!” the Warworld commander said. “I didn’t realize you lot played that game.”

Esmeral opened a shelf at the side of the room. “Which version—Decepticon or Autobot?”

“You guys have the Autobot version?” Tesarus was intrigued despite himself. Kaon wouldn’t let Tesarus order the Autobot version. He said it was hard enough getting Tarn to allow the game on board the _Peaceful Tyranny_ , period.

Deathsaurus shrugged, spreading his hands and his wings. “What can I say? Up until a few weeks ago we weren’t exactly Decepticons in good standing.”

Which was a tactful way to say the lot of them had been on the DJD’s List, Tesarus supposed.

“Hey,” Helex suggested, “can you pick out all the Autobot cards with nasty stuff about Megatron and shuffle them into the deck?” He chortled.

“I’d rather not remind Tarn about Megatron, thanks,” Kaon said dryly.

Vos hissed a question to Kaon.

“Yes, Tarn’s coming,” Kaon said. “As soon as Nickel gives him a clean bill of health.”

“What’s wrong with him?” Deathsaurus asked the question casually as he started picking through the Autobot deck, but Tesarus bristled anyway. He couldn’t tell if the Warworld commander was trying to find Tarn’s weaknesses or if he was genuinely worried about Tarn, and Tesarus didn’t know which would be _worse_.

“Just a T-cog transplant,” Kaon said casually, “the usual.”

Tesarus kept his mouth shut. If Tarn arrived and had a fit about the game, hopefully Deathsaurus would take the blame.

Vos, however, didn’t. He muttered another question. 

“We’ll see,” Kaon replied. “That’s up to Tarn.”

“What’s up to Tarn?” Deathsaurus inquired, as he passed a number of Autobot cards to Esmeral.

“If we play.” Kaon paused, then admitted. “This isn’t exactly Tarn’s favourite game. He, ah, he thinks it’s disrespectful.”

Which was an understatement. What Tarn had actually said was that the game was _borderline treasonous_ and _a crass amusement for puerile minds_. He refused to play, and furthermore, wouldn’t let Tesarus, Helex, Vos and Nickel play either without Kaon there to “monitor” the content of their responses for an adequate “loyalty coefficient.” And playing with Kaon was about as much fun as playing with a wet sack of dirty oil, because he never laughed or even cracked a smile, and his choice of cards was always influenced by how much it either kissed Megatron’s aft or reviled anyone who didn’t. They played anyway, of course, despite Kaon.

Tesaurus was about to say something when he heard the snap of both Deathsaurus’s and Esmeral’s wings snapping straight out behind them. The two rogues looked at one another, optics wide.

“Scrap me,” Deathsaurus said.

“Smelt me down,” Esmeral said at the same time.

Esmeral handed Deathsaurus half the Decepticon deck. She started flipping through the other half.

Tesarus just had to ask. “What are you doing?”

“Help us out,” Deathsaurus said by way of answer, dividing his deck in half again. “We’ve got to get rid of all the offensive cards before Tarn gets here.”

Tesaurus took the proffered cards, then he sagged back against the couch and laughed and laughed. “Deathy, if you’re picking those out, then either you’re playing a _really_ different version of this game or you don’t understand how Cards against Cybertron works.”

“Maybe they’re playing _Widgets to Widgets_ out here on the Rim,” Helex sneered.

“Shut up and help,” Esmeral snapped, giving half of her deck to Helex. “Or else you can explain to your leader why you just played a card such as _Tarn in an Autobot mask_.”

“ _Tarn emptying his tanks on a first-printing Edition of_ Towards Peace,” Deathsaurus suggested.

“ _Tarn getting gang-banged by the Wreckers_ ,” Esmeral added.

Tesarus turned over the top card in his deck. “ _Tarn eating out Megatron’s valve_ ,” he read. 

It _was_ kind of funny, to someone with the DJD’s sense of humour, but Tesarus had to admit, he really didn’t want to be in the room when Tarn read a card like that. “Yeah, okay. I’ll help.”

*

A few minutes later, a small pile of cards had gathered on the table in front of the couch. Tesarus had just finished checking the rest of his deck when the door of the lounge opened and there stood Tarn and Nickel. Quickly, Tesarus swept the offending cards off the table with one of his smaller hands while he used his large arms to block Tarn from seeing. He tucked them behind his grinder blades, vowing to remove them later. 

“Have we decided on an activity?” Tarn inquired.

The DJD kept silent and let Deathsaurus speak. “Cards Against Cybertron,” the rogue commander suggested.

Tesarus watched, hoping Tarn would snap at Deathsaurus. The DJD commander did look a little taken aback, but he rallied quickly. “Very well.” Tesarus wasn’t sure if getting to play was adequate consolation for his leader’s obvious favouritism of this…this interloper. Muttering to himself, he stacked the cards into a white deck and a black deck.

Everyone who didn’t have a seat already found one and dragged it into a rough circle, beginning with Tarn at the head, Deathsaurus to his right, Kaon next to him, Helex and Tesarus on the couch, Esmeral in a chair near Tesarus, and finally Vos and Nickel sharing a seat on Tarn’s left. 

Tesarus glared at Esmeral as they all drew ten white cards from the deck. She ignored him, fanning out her cards in her talons. She was a virtual stranger, and he didn’t want to get to know her better. Helex said she belonged on the List. Tesarus just didn’t think she belonged with the DJD.

“Who goes first?” Deathsaurus inquired.

“Be my guest,” Tarn replied, and the tone in his voice and the way he looked at Deathsaurus made Tesarus want to purge his tanks.

Deathsaurus flipped over the black card on top of the stack and read it. “In Styx Prison, word is you can trade 200 rust sticks for…blank.”

Tesarus looked at his hand.

Functionism

Leakers huffing coolant fumes behind a dumpster in Rodion

A Time Travel Paradox

Death By Traitor’s Wheel

Chief Justice Tyrest

Nightmare Fuel

Militant Monoform Movement

Eight billion organic corpses rotting in the light of a binary sun

Thunderwing’s Pretender Shell

A big bag of T-Cogs

 _Nightmare Fuel_ made sense, but it was too easy and too logical to really be funny. Tesarus debated between Chief Justice Tyrest and Death By Traitor’s Wheel, decided that torture devices were funnier than humourless Autobots, and tossed his card into the pile.

When everyone had contributed, Deathsaurus read the answers he’d been given. “In Styx Prison, word is you can trade 200 rust sticks for:

Leadership of a Mortilus death cult,

Explosions,

Death by Traitor’s Wheel,

In…interfacing in the exhaust pipe…”

Deathsaurus started to giggle. 

“….police brutality…”

He wheezed.

“…Ten Ammonite prostitutes….”

He coughed.

“…and a barrel of diesel-based hooch.”

Deathsaurus gulped in air. “The hooch one is probably more accurate, and the police brutality probably more _likely_ , but I’m going to go with _ten Ammonite prostitutes_.”

Tesarus wished he’d had that card. He looked around to see who was responsible.

Nickel raised her hand.

And Tarn gave his medic this vaguely disapproving look that almost sent Tesarus into hysterics as he added a new white card to his hand. 

*

Kaon flipped the next black card. “What did I bring back from Monacus?” he read.

Hah. Nickel didn’t have Ten Ammonite Prostitutes to save her now. And Tesarus’s new card was perfect. He flipped _A really nasty virus_ into the pile.

Kaon’s choices were as follows:

“Lubricant, 

Four million shanix in ill-gotten gains,

A weak energon spritzer,

Ten terrabytes of Lithonian porn,

A really nasty virus,

Autobot Special Ops, and…”

Kaon paused. Struggled not to smile. Failed.

“Soundwave fendered out of his mind on circuit boosters.”

Helex and Vos fell across the table, laughing.

Tesarus had never heard that card before. Deathsaurus or one of his crew had to have made it up, or maybe it was part of the Autobot version of the game.

It _was_ pretty funny. Ordinarily Tesarus could respect something like that. But it had defeated his almost-a-sure-thing card, and he _still_ didn’t like the outlaws.

It was no surprise when Kaon picked the Soundwave card, and also no surprise when Deathsaurus put up his hand to claim the point.

*

Helex flipped over the next card. “What is Phase Eight?” he read.

Tesarus considered _Functionism,_ saw Tarn studying his hand, and thought better of it. He wasn’t playing that card in conjunction with that question with Tarn around. He selected _Eight billion organic corpses rotting in the light of a binary sun_ and tossed it into the pile.

Helex read out the contenders, with commentary.

“Phase Eight is….

Getting Star Sabered….yeah, that sounds like fun…

Robots In Disguise…no, that’s Phase One…

Budding…that might be Phase Seven…

Eight billion organic corpses rotting in the light of a binary sun…huh…definitely Phase Six….

War Without End…come on, guys, that’s just depressing…

Erotically Inhaling Bees… _what?_

Peace Through Tyranny….that was you, Tarn, wasn’t it…

Backfiring and walking away.”

Helex considered. “Backfiring and walking away is pretty badass, but I’m gonna have to pick getting Star Sabered as to how I wanna spend Phase Eight.”

Esmeral took the point. Tarn muttered under his mask, but didn’t contest Helex’s choice. Tesarus huffed. Thwarted three times, and now it was his turn. Well, he wasn’t giving any points to the outlaws if he could help it.

*

At least he’d picked a good card. “What got me put on The List?” Tesarus asked with a wicked grin.

Deathsaurus looked taken aback. Even better. Tesarus wondered if anyone had created _stealing a Warworld_ as an answer card. If they hadn’t, he was going to make one for next time.

Seven cards landed in front of him. Tesarus made a point of not watching them land. He didn’t want to know which one was Tarn’s.

One by one, he turned them over.

“Interfacing with a turbofox,

Doing the right thing,

Going into combat while high as frag…” _ouch_ , that was a little personal, and Tesarus wasn’t going there. He was pretty sure that either Esmeral or Deathsaurus had played this card. Tesarus snuck a glance at Tarn, but he was expressionless behind his mask.

“Not giving two scraps about Rodion,

Starscream,

My collection of high-tech sex toys,

And…”

Tesarus turned over the last card and just about choked. This had to be another new card. He had to try more than once to finish saying it. “Fragg…fragging Op…Optimus…” He took a deep breath and blurted, “Fragging Optimus Prime in exchange for a promotion.”

The rest of the DJD started snickering as well. Tesarus knew a winner when he saw one. “Who played Prime?”

Much to Tesarus’s shock, Tarn raised his hand.

“Okay, uh, point to you, sir.”

Tarn seemed pleased as he accepted the card.

Deathsaurus nudged Tarn’s shoulder tracks and grinned. “Well played.”

Ugh. Tesarus couldn’t watch that. He turned to Esmeral. “Go.”

The rogue female drew a black card.

*

Esmeral read, “Megatron has fallen! I, blank, am now your leader.”

Tesarus shot a glance at Tarn to see if he was going to take offense to the question or insist on himself as the only possible answer, but the point he’d just won seemed to have put him in a good mood. Either that, or he was playing footsie with Deathsaurus under the table. Tesarus gagged a little and tried to think about something else, like whether to play _Chief Justice Tyrest_ or _Thunderwing’s Pretender Shell_. 

He decided on the shell. Esmeral read that one first, along with the other possibilities:

“Misfire,

Leozack,

A thing with three heads that keeps insisting it has no head,

Deathsaurus’s crappy pet bird…” Esmeral looked at Deathsaurus. “Did Leozack write any of these?”

Deathsaurus snorted. “Definitely the one with his own name on it and probably the ones insulting my animals.”

Esmeral continued, “Galvatron the Barbarian King,

Or a dead MTO.”

She stroked her chin. “Gonna go with Galvatron the Barbarian King. I mean, who would believe that?”

Vos took the point. Tesarus wondered if Vos was joking or serious when he played that card. He wondered if Vos was old enough to remember the actual Galvatron. Who knew?

*

Vos flipped over a black card and handed it to Nickel to read. She cleared her throat and announced, “How do we discipline our badly behaved recruits in the Decepticon Army?”

Tesarus grinned. Easy win.

The competition was stiff, namely—as read by Nickel—as follows:

“Land mines,

Cannon fodder,

K-Con recruitment office,

A mission into uncharted space,

The Wreckers, 

Taking volunteers…”

But when all was said and done, when you were in the DJD, _a big bag of T-Cogs_ really said it all. Tarn actually _laughed_. Kaon was grinning, too, and Tesarus felt pretty good about himself as he took his point.

*

Nickel flipped the next black card over. “What do I look for in a conjunx endura?”

Tesarus checked his hand. He still had a few of his original cards left:

Functionism

Leakers huffing coolant fumes behind a dumpster in Rodion

A Time Travel Paradox

Chief Justice Tyrest

Nightmare Fuel

Militant Monoform Movement

None of those were all that funny in context. However, he’d also picked up:

Chilly interface with a refrigeration unit

The Galactic Council’s stupid hats

A shock baton up my valve

And his personal favourite, which he’d just drawn. A card that was almost a guaranteed win. It didn’t suit the question, though, and he didn’t trust Nickel to find it amusing. He decided to hang onto this one.

And he sure as hell wasn’t going to insinuate that Nickel was kinky and face the tiny medic’s wrath. He’d had enough chewing out already.

Sometimes you had to play a throwaway card. Tesarus chucked in _Nightmare Fuel_ , fully expecting to lose. 

Nickel read:

“Jacking into a generator,

A first-printing edition of _Towards Peace_ …is someone matchmaking?...

An Autobot insignia,

Will It Blend?….you _are_ , you _are_ matchmaking…

Nightmare Fuel,

A really, _really_ big gun…okay, I can’t just blame Deathsaurus and Esmeral for this, _stop matchmaking,_ you fucking pieces of slag…”

Was Tesarus imagining things, or did Nickel actually seem a little flustered after that last contribution?

“And electric shock therapy. _More_ pathetic matchmaking attempts. Frag you, frag you all to the smelter, you half-melted slurry.”

Helex and Deathsaurus were laughing like loons. Kaon protested loudly that he didn’t play _electric shock therapy_ and couldn’t be held accountable for whoever did. Vos tittered behind his mask. Tesarus couldn’t tell, but even Tarn seemed somewhat amused.

“I fragging pick jacking into a generator over interfacing with _anyone_ in this room,” Nickel announced, hands on her hips. 

Deathsaurus took the point, and Tesarus felt irritated. He hated that the rogue commander was winning. He’d have to do better on the next round, he thought as he picked up a new white card.

Tarn turned over a black card and read it aloud.

*

It was weird to hear Tarn’s cultured accent saying “I will not accept your apology until I receive….blank.”

Tesarus shot his boss a look, and wished again that he could see Tarn’s face a little better. He couldn’t tell if Tarn was pissed off or amused or uncomfortable or what, given the nature of the card. Tarn wasn’t in the business of accepting apologies, though he’d heard plenty in his line of work. But Tarn seemed to be playing along, so Tesarus could only do the same.

 _Optimus Prime uncontrollably guzzling lubricants_ was an easy win. The idea of humiliating Prime was funny, but just before he played the card, Tesarus thought twice. Insinuating that Tarn would have any interest in Optimus doing intimate things was a risk that might not end well. He flicked in _The Galactic Council’s stupid hats_ instead.

Tarn looked at Kaon, as though checking to be sure he was doing it right, as he cleared his throat and read:

“I will not accept your apology until I receive:

Prowl’s sexy, sexy doorwings,

The Covenant of Primus,

Human germs,

A steamy affair with…”

Tarn tilted the card and peered at it. “… _a Senator_ ,” he finished, his voice laced with disapproval. But his glower was directed at the card itself, not the players. Clearly the idea repelled him, though, and Tesarus knew its player wasn’t going to get any points this turn.

“Ahem. The Matrix of Leadership,

The Galactic Council’s stupid hats,

Or…”

Tarn cocked his head and squinted at the final card. His optics narrowed.

Tesarus held his breath.

Kaon leaned over Tarn’s shoulder. “Who left _a blowjob from Megatron_ in this deck?” he demanded, glaring at Deathsaurus and Tesarus as his number one suspects.

Tes spread his hands. He was on the verge of protesting his innocence when Tarn threw back his head and roared with laughter.

Tesarus stared. He couldn’t help it. He hadn’t heard Tarn laugh like that in a long time. Helex and Vos were staring too. The sound startled Kaon, and he dropped the card.

“Oh, that’s _too_ good,” Tarn said. “Point well won.”

Tesarus watched to see who’d had the nerve to play a card like that.

Nickel reached out and snagged the card. 

Nickel. Tesarus should have guessed.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Cards Against Cybertron](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10085459) by [Artemis_Dreamer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Artemis_Dreamer/pseuds/Artemis_Dreamer)
  * [Cards Against Cybertron - Expansion #1](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12856413) by [Artemis_Dreamer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Artemis_Dreamer/pseuds/Artemis_Dreamer)




End file.
